Not such a good night at the Pav last night. A small fairly sombre crowd and I wasn't on form. Mickey Bartlett got a good chuckle out of them so there were laughs there for the taking.
But not by me.
The previous gig was an absolute stonker with everyone (crowd/acts/me) on fine form. So I should've known it wouldn't last.
The Pavilion is where I have been MCing Big Laughs Open Mic Night. for the last couple of years. It’s on a Monday and we have had some great nights there as well as a few not so great ones.
It’s the night I did my second ever gig in (went well, thanks for asking). (My first was in the Black Box courtesy of Paul Currie (went crap, thanks for asking))
It was started up by local comedian Liam Watson, then run for a few weeks by local legend Paddy Maguire and then taken over by myself and Graeme Watson who’ve held unto it like Bull Terrier with a leper’s leg. Who knows why. I don’t think anyone else wants it.
We recently reformatted the night to involve more games and participation. The main game consists of audience member picking numbers between 1-15 and the numbers correspond to either; one of 10 one-liners I’ve written during the last couple of weeks or games, magic tricks, sketches and guest appearances.
Most of the guest appearances are just local comedians wearing rubber animal masks but hey, why not?
One game worked and the magic tricks roused slight interest.
Anyhow my one-liners this week had to be forced from my brain and were mostly rubbish:
Did you hear about the guy with a fetish for swimwear? Speedophile
Got a laugh, although I wasn’t too fond of it myself.
My witterings about James Bond’s licenses and my Brian Cowan throwing hot beverages TeaShock pun hardly raised a smile.
I can usually tell which jokes won’t work as soon as I am standing on stage about to say them. That’s not very useful is it?
From the previous night these are the ones that got a good response:
1. So I said to Paul McCartney do you think there’s such a thing a triple or even quadruple negative and can they be used in the same sentence? And he said nah, nah nah, nahnahnahnah (to tune of Hey Jude)
2. The lead singer of the Saw Doctors was caught having sex with a sea creature. Oyster lover.
3. My dog likes to sing “With a little help with my friends? I call him Joe the cocker spaniel. His mate is a chat show host he’s Jerry the Springer spaniel
4. My goldfish died of water polio.
5. It’s a little known fact that 80’s weather presenter Michael fish, i know topical, it’s a little known fact that he was the father of septuplets. It was going to be octuplets but the first one was stillborn but he was all “never mind, plenty more fish in the C-section”
6. So this Jehovah’s witness arrived at my door and said “If you don’t accept Christ into your heart you will live forever running around all spotty going woof.” I said “ I think you mean eternal damnation.”
2. The lead singer of the Saw Doctors was caught having sex with a sea creature. Oyster lover.
3. My dog likes to sing “With a little help with my friends? I call him Joe the cocker spaniel. His mate is a chat show host he’s Jerry the Springer spaniel
4. My goldfish died of water polio.
5. It’s a little known fact that 80’s weather presenter Michael fish, i know topical, it’s a little known fact that he was the father of septuplets. It was going to be octuplets but the first one was stillborn but he was all “never mind, plenty more fish in the C-section”
6. So this Jehovah’s witness arrived at my door and said “If you don’t accept Christ into your heart you will live forever running around all spotty going woof.” I said “ I think you mean eternal damnation.”
By the end of the year I should have a vast collection of awful one-liners. I have no idea what I’ll do with them as I don’t use them in my sets much anymore. Maybe I’ll send them to Tim Vine.
Anyhow, was nice to see everyone. I think I annoyed Marcus.
Something to do with me saying ” my girlfriend bought me this shirt” several times. I was only saying it because people kept admiring it and god forbid they think I actually have any good taste myself.
Not really sure why it annoyed Marcus, though.
Next gig will be a children’s party. I’m good at them.
